Art History Jokes – used them with caution!
1. What is Salvador Dali’s favourite breakfast?
A bowl of surreal.
2. What were Duchamp’s first words?
3. Through careful studying of the building plans and months of meticulous planning, he was able to evade all the security and stole several priceless paintings.
He then loaded the paintings into his van parked nearby. Just as he was about to leave, he heard the alarm go off in the building.
Without a moment’s hesitation, he kicked the van into high gear and sped away. However, his van ran out of gas less than 5 minutes later, and he was caught and arrested by the police.
“I don’t understand”, Said the police officer. “How could you plan all that so carefully, yet forget to fill up your gas tank?”
To which the thief replied: “But monsieur! Zat is exactly why I stole ze paintings! I had no Monet, to buy Degas, to make ze Van Gogh!”
4. What did the artist say to the dentist?
5. A young couple Wilier and Kay, were exploring the exhibits at the new Paul Getty Museum in Los Angeles one Sunday afternoon, when they came upon the museum’s famous collection of Eighteenth-Century French Impressionist Art.
Suddenly Wilbur, unfamiliar as he was with the fine points of the period, came across a well-known painting which he mistakenly thought was an example of pointillism. He immediately called his wife over and naively exclaimed, … Kay, Seurat! Seurat!
She took one bored look at the painting and replied, … Whatever,Wilby, Wilby.
6. Did you model for Polykleitos?
Cause you got the ideal human figure.
7. What do you call a column that is going to get married?
An engaged column.
8. Vincent van Gogh walks into a bar, and the bartender offers him a drink…
No thank -you, said Vincent, I’ve got one ‘ere.
9. Mark DiSuvero and Richard Serra walk into a bar and run into the ghost of David Smith. Richard Serra looks to the ghost of David Smith and says, ” Are you going to let him talk to you like that?!” Oh snap!
10. What do you get if you cross a painter with a boxer?
11. What did Michelangelo say to the ceiling?
I got you covered.
12. On a visit to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, I was standing near two women who were admiring a painting. 12. One of the women remarked: What a beautiful painting. I wonder who the artist was? The other volunteered to find out and walked over to read the wall plaque beside it. She reported that the painting had been done by Circa, in 1878. Oh, the first woman said, of course, Circa the Greek. No, the second woman replied. You’re thinking of Zorba. Circa was Italian.
13. What do you get if you cross an artist with a kebab?
14. During World War II an inquisitive German officer was harassing Picasso in his Parisian apartment.
Noticing a photograph of Guernica lying on a table he asked the artist “did you do that?”
“No”, responded Picasso, “You did.”
15. How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. Two to hold the giraffe and one more to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine tools.
16. What did Kritos Boy order at Olive Garden?
Yo MoMa Jokes
1. “Yo’ MoMA is so poor, it only has two Jackson Pollocks. And one of them is in storage.”
2. Yo’ MoMA’s gift shop is so small, books with Frida Kahlo’s unibrow on the cover are only available online.
3. “Yo’ MoMA’s newest additions are so pretentious, the audio guide is just a 4-hour recording of someone sighing.”
4. Yo’ MoMA displays so few works by women, its name could stand for “Mostly Only Male Artists”
5. Yo’ MoMA is so commercial, Picasso’s Les Demoiselles d’Avignon are charging Pistoletto’s Man With Yellow Pants up
to $500 an hour. For sex. Because they’re hookers.
6. Yo’ MoMA’s admission price is so high, some of the artists on display can’t afford to buy a ticket.
7. Yo’ MoMA’s guards look so bored, I saw one of them lingering in front of Roy Lichenstein’s Pistol hoping it would go off.
8. Yo’ MoMA’s newest additions are so pretentious, the audio guide is just a 4-hour recording of someone sighing.
9. Yo’ MoMA has a weird silent film playing on a loop in a side room and it’s programming everyone who watches it to be government assassins.
10. Yo’ MoMA’s lobby is so big and empty, the elephant in the room could actually be the one Banksy spray painted.
12. Yo’ MoMA closes so early, Salvador Dali’s pocket watches didn’t have time to melt.
13. Yo’ MoMA’s exhibits change so infrequently, your entire museum should be in a museum.
14. Yo’ MoMA is so big, when Tilda Swinton’s in town she prefers sleeping there instead of a hotel.